TONY VS. FOOD: Death by pizza at The Grotto

Metro Editor Tony Wittkowski and University Editor Kyle Kaminski are defeated Wednesday by The Grotto’s pizza challenge. (Arin Bisaro | Staff Photographer)

By Tony Wittkowski | Metro Editor | Central Michigan Life

Last week I took on the challenge that has been weighing on my mind for the entire semester: The Mother Trucker at The Grotto.

In fact, its been something I have been anxious to do since I first heard about it four years ago during my first semester on campus. Unfortunately, it did not pan out as I thought it would over those four years.

The Mother Trucker Challenge is something so overwhelming, so gigantic, that even Gabriel Iglesias would faint in its presence.

Last Wednesday, myself and University News Editor Kyle Kaminski took a stroll down to The Grotto to watch the 10-pound pizza be created.

Watching the crew make this pizza was like watching someone carve your tombstone.

A pound of each of the following meats went on this monster pizza: whole slices of ham, pepperoni, strips of bacon, ground beef and sausage on top of sausage. I had to keep reminding myself that I could not die from a food coma.

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The pizza was so enormous we pulled an adjoining table next to ours to house the doughy behemoth.

The Mother Trucker was cut into eight different slices — each slice weighed as much as a medium-sized, one-topping pizza.

It put me in hog heaven from the first bite. But halfway through the second piece, my stomach started to catch up with me.

My partner — who is known around the office as “Wolverine” due to his facial hair and hair cut — shred his second slice into so many pieces that it was equivocally a meat salad. As a side note, he technically did not finish his first slice. The crust was still there when he started number two.

To my knowledge, only one duo has eaten the pizza since the challenge’s early conception.

We were not the second. Between the two of us, we consumed half the pizza, minus a few piles of meat that were too discombobulated to be considered pizza.

The end result was another dash in the loss column for myself and a designated puke session for Wolverine, the guest eater of the week.

(Author’s Note: This article was originally published on Nov. 4, 2013)